I want to write about love and, as a woman, this will be very much influenced by the Goddess’ way of loving. In the psyche of both men and women feminine consciousness loves through unrestrained passion and creativity.
My journey in exploring the mystery of love has been tortuous at times and my heart has experienced both bliss and excruciating longing.
All my life I have been looking for love, being loved and loving, that feeling of warmth and connection with people; in intimacy a physical deep mutual desire; as a child of being loved as I am, unconditionally; in the world as a love for beauty, art and nature. As a healer the experience of harmony, sacredness and high vibration.
Love is a verb, it’s an action, it flows out of our body as energy. It cannot be restrained.
Often I am told I am too affectionate or too needy, I like to kiss and hug, I like to say to people that they are beautiful. I flirt a lot and I like sensuality and physical contact.
Yes I need love as I need air to breathe and food to eat. I cannot live without it. And when I feel love I cannot stop, it would be like stopping breathing. In the last two years I learnt a lot about love through separation, bereavement and rejection. It has been very painful, I cried a lot, I didn’t quite know where all this suffering was coming from, the pain was physical, like a hole in the chest or a tightening that stopped my breathing. And it would not go away. Life losing all meaning, feeling lost in a loveless universe of disconnection and separation. With one dominant thought and feeling: unloved.
Allowing the feeling of heartbreak in the end opened my heart and I now want to share a few lessons I have learnt.
Love comes from within
A friend said to me in a moment of anguish: “You are looking in the wrong place”. True, I was looking for love outside myself.
The first teaching about love is that it stems out of our inner connection. We breathe in love from our own inner source, from the soul. The soul is always connected to love and has no fear.
When we connect within we feel deeply at peace, like the physical contentment we experience when we are well rested, well-nourished and peaceful, no need of anything, just happy in ourselves, in the moment.
When we access this core connection, breathing it broadly in from our chest, we can face anything: chaos and transition; people in pain around us; uncertainty; lack of control; stepping into the unknown. We find the courage to follow our dreams and of being ourselves despite other people disapproving.
We can live despite the lack of unconditional love around us. Actually we can give unconditional love to the world.
In practice: intend to connect within. Focus on the chest area and breathe in prana, love, chi. Feel yourself being plugged to source, feel the physical connection and keep breathing deeply.
Love is an action
Love is a verb, it’s an action, it flows.
Love is Soul energy moving unrestrained through the body. It is the life force flowing through. Love is a constant state of orgasm, where pleasure moves us and all our senses become expanded. When pleasure slows our body down, just breathing is bliss and we open to the wonder of surrendering. Can life really be driven by love and pleasure? Can we really let go and open and surrender? Yes! Life will handle it. Life handles itself beautifully.
We only need to allow the flow, with ease, no tension, surfing the tidal wave. There is no fight, no tension, no stress. Only melting, sharing and expanding.
Ultimately there is only one choice: surrendering or holding back.
That is why we need to allow all of our emotions: this is the way to access unconditional love, a love that is unrestrained. If we hold back from expressing our emotions we block the flow, we close the tab, the heart in this case.
If we do not take the risk of feeling all our emotions we restrain our creative life force and our passion. We need to express negative as well as positive emotions. Release all that anger or grief or tension stuck in our body but also channel our positive feelings through dance, art, writing or entrepreneurial business, anything creative to express our love for all creation.
In practice: in every moment of the day, feel your body. Is it tense or soft, is there any heaviness, check your solar plexus, belly and head. How does your heart feel? Emotions are always translated in physical feelings (see C.Pert molecules of emotions). After you connect with the body tune into the feeling and breathe it out. Then name and articulate the feeling, first to yourself, then to the world around you with honesty and kindness.
About giving and receiving
To share love we need to receive it first. So much trouble when we expect to receive it from others, as this creates addiction, codependency, and other games.
Unconditional love is sharing in the free flowing of chi.
It’s very selfish. I come first. I fill myself with love, I fill myself with air, self-care, knowledge, I open to receive from the unlimited source of life. I fill myself and I nourish myself. Radical selfishness. From this position I can share in the overflow.
Often as women we think that giving of ourselves unconditionally is love. We love with totality, our children, husbands, lovers, friends, jobs. We would do anything for them, we would give them our soul. And there is something magnificent about this when it doesn’t cover a secondary game.
This is the game: ‘Giving too much’ – I love you so that you love me back. I love you and often invade you because I am needy of love and I am looking for love outside myself. This game leads to martyrdom and sacrifice, to victimhood and depletion. Because no matter how much love and energy we give, what we receive back will never be enough. In loving relationships this attracts rejection and heartbreak, as it is invasive. Furthermore when we give our work for free, our love for free, our time for free and we do not receive an equal exchange, we feel betrayed, depleted and dishonoured. This game ultimately leads to powerlessness, poverty and dependence.
On the other hand, I have often found that men are very good at fulfilling their needs and I love this as it is a very healthy selfishness.
Please do not consider this a gender specific analysis, it refers more to the nature of feminine and masculine consciousness, which ultimately must live in harmony within ourselves.
Masculine consciousness is more individualistic whilst feminine is more holistic, all encompassing. Our world, ruled by focused masculine consciousness has progressed enormously, fulfilling all our needs. The problem arises when we look outside ourselves to fill an empty space inside. Then nothing will ever be enough, not enough money, properties, power, or loving relationships.
This is the other love game: ‘Taking too much’ – I want to get love from you to fill myself, my inner void, as I am disconnected to my own source. In mild cases, in relationships, a person is looking for a cosy nest, where to draw love and support, often with little passion. In other cases the game leads instead to lack of commitment, the person benefitting from many relationships, played with shallowness of emotions. In worst case scenarios it leads to obsessive power hunt by exploitation of the land and of the people, the individualistic game of our western economic paradigm: competition and consumerism.
In both situations, in excessive giving or excessive taking, the secondary game is filling an emptiness inside, instead of connecting inside ourselves to a source of unlimited love, wisdom, guidance and power.
In practice: when I give too much I often feel depleted or resentful, so I stop and ask myself what are the true motivations behind my giving: am I looking for approval or acceptance or love from others? When I take too much I often feel isolated and separated from others, there is not an equal exchange and my heart feels cold. Am I taking to satisfy my self-esteem and my need for power, to fill my inner void?
About feminine love: vulnerability and passion
The vulnerable self is a feminine archetype, often in the shadow of both men and women. In our modern world we are asked to be organised and efficient and her softness, sensuality and contemplating nature are judged as weak and unproductive.
In my own psyche she is the personality that most feels unloved. She longs for connection and love of the purest kind, and yet I often judge her as timid and unassertive.
Our vulnerable self is very magical, it gives us permission to slow down and surrender, following our sense of flow. We all crave her ecstatic sensuality and her magnetic energy. She finds pleasure in art, music and nature and is moved by desire and passion.
Furthermore vulnerable doesn’t mean without power. Vulnerability allows us to be open and the gift is that we can access all of our emotional power. Anger has the same root in the fire of passion, an energy that can break through control, conventions and ruthless logic. Anger when expressed through assertiveness and clear boundaries is needed to give voice to the feminine consciousness. Shakti, the Hindu goddess of love becomes destructive Kali when her power is questioned and her values disrespected. Also Aphrodite becomes vengeful when she is denied attention. Our anima demands emotional connection, depth of feelings, and love. She wants to be heard. And in return she will pour unconditional love and passion in relationships and creative work. When loved she will love back thousands times.
Vulnerability means surrendering and opening, the only way to receive love from our soul.
Surrendering is also the only way to allow others in and to receive love from them. All my life I struggled to surrender, afraid of being hurt if I opened my most delicate essence or worst terrified of being invaded and losing myself. Our vulnerable self is scared of coming out, of being penetrated and stamped upon, this is why we close down, to protect ourselves.
In my experience my ability to open and surrender has grown by cultivating a strong sense of self. In order to truly surrender we need someone to come back to, our own individual self. From a strong centre we are able to assert ourselves, to set boundaries and to speak our truth. We need to find a place within ourselves where we are whole, where there is no need of husband/wife, lover, child or any other connection, where we are virgin and untouched. This space is our diamond core light, our precious unique essence, a personal space where we are completely independent and whole in ourselves.
It is a paradox, and a beautiful one: we are all one connected in an ocean of love, dancing our individual song of love and creation.
In practice: how is the relationship between your vulnerable self and your independent self? Does your vulnerable self feel heard and protected? Does your independent self have enough personal space? They both have specific needs, tune in to know how to express both.